musik (Take This Waltz)

April 2nd, 2009 by feddiechick

written by Lorca, sung by Cohen. My new obsession.

Now in vienna there’s ten pretty women. There’s a shoulder where death comes to cry.
There’s a lobby with nine hundred windows. There’s a tree where the doves go to die.
There’s a piece that was torn from the morning, and it hangs in the gallery of frost.
Ay, ay, ay, ay -
Take this waltz, take this waltz.
Take this waltz with the clamp on its jaws.

Oh, I want you, I want you, I want you -
On a chair with a dead magazine, in the cave at the tip of the lily, in some hallway where love’s never been, on a bed where the moon has been sweating, in a cry filled with footsteps and sand…
Ay, ay, ay, ay
Take this waltz, take this waltz.
Take its broken waist in your hand.

This waltz - with its very own breath of brandy and death, dragging its tail in the sea.

There’s a concert hall in Vienna, where your mouth had a thousand reviews. There’s a bar where the boys have stopped talking. They’ve been sentenced to death by the blues.
Ah, but who is it climbs to your picture, with a garland of freshly cut tears?

Ay, ay, ay, ay -
Take this waltz, take this waltz.
Take this waltz, it’s been dying for years.

There’s an attic where children are playing, where I’ve got to lie down with you soon, in a dream of Hungarian lanterns, in the mist of some sweet afternoon.
And I’ll see what you’ve chained to your sorrow, all your sheep and your lilies of snow.
Ay, ay, ay, ay -
Take this waltz, take this waltz, with it’s “I’ll never forget you, you know!”

And I’ll dance with you in Vienna. I’ll be wearing a river’s disguise, the hyacinth wild on my shoulder, my mouth on the dew of your thighs.
And I’ll bury my soul in a scrapbook, with the photographs there, and the moss. And I’ll yield to the flood of your beauty, my cheap violin and my cross.
And you’ll carry me down on your dancing, to the pools that you lift on your wrist.

Oh, my love, take this waltz, take this waltz.
It’s yours now. It’s all that there is.

Whispered Words of Wisdom (heart)

March 31st, 2009 by feddiechick

“Think of all the lives we’ve lived, to come together in this beautiful expression.”

whispered words of wisdom (remember)

February 24th, 2009 by feddiechick

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

-Kahlil Gibran

das Journal (all that we see or seem)

February 12th, 2009 by feddiechick

Last night I drempt of old friends, friends from all aspects of my life. The plot itself was nothing, but it was really the people. The people in a hodge-podge jumble of actions and words and activity.

One of my oldest and best friends died last fall. He had cancer. It hit me very hard. It still makes me sad.

We talked last night. We were on a sofa and we cuddled. (I’m not much for cuddling in real life… but it was nice to touch him again. How is it that after someone dies, it’s the living who need comfort?) I told him how nice it was to see him, and how wonderful dreams were that we were able to come together and do this. He told me he agreed. He said he couldn’t come often, but he would come when he could, and how he was sorry I was sad, but not to worry, things are better now.

These are all probably things my deep consciousness needed to hear - to know he is not gone from me totally, to know that he is doing better, to know I still have my friend.

But if one were to believe in the collective consciousness, and if he is part of me, and I am part of him (just as I am part of you) I don’t see why that couldn’t have been him. Really him. I mean, at this point, what does it matter?

Do I think Zach’s ghost visited me last night? No. I had a dream of a friend.

But what are dreams, if not manifestations of ourselves, and of this wide world, seen and unseen, all around us?

Thanks, Zach. I look forward to seeing you again.

Whispered Words of Wisdom (aim high)

February 11th, 2009 by feddiechick

“The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely, aware.”

~Henry James

das Journal (rants and woes)

February 11th, 2009 by feddiechick

I imagine what it would be like to do it right. I imagine losing the weight and paying the bills, and how nice our life might be. I imagine going home and being young and successful and cheerful and beautiful. I imagine people looking at me and saying “she doesn’t belong here. I’m glad she got out.” I also imagine what not doing it. Will we live in our car? Or on the streets? Or sell all of our stuff and live in a tiny apartment? What happens if I do join the military? Will I live by myself in a little apartment, living frugally and small and quietly, just working to raise money, to do my part? Will there be confrontations about me being bi, or a wiccan, or a pacifist? What happens if I do all of this work to join the military, and then I fail at it? I’ve been through worse, I know that. I imagine the past and what it was – my step dad in Montana, my mom in New Mexico, me and Steve that first summer we moved in together, with no money, with nothing. Sure, I’ve been through hard times. But now I imagine what my life would be if I could go back and re-set things. Where would my save-point be? Would I go back just a few months ago, or a few weeks ago even, or could I start at the beginning, star all over, do it again? I believe the same mistakes would be made, because I’m always the same person. Forever.

das Journal (dreams and such)

February 1st, 2009 by feddiechick

I was dreaming about New Orleans last night. Not New Orleans as when I was there, but probably some far off forgotten corner of the city, tucked away in the whispers of time and as interpreted by my mind.

There were adventures throughout the night - oh were there adventures! Prostitutes and magic and the river and men coming from the river (very Lovecraftian, that part was) and spoiled rich girls and living dolls and food and music shops and book stores and coffee. It was a nice visit to the city. I think I’ve been to this particular place in my dreams before, but this time I knew it as New Orleans. So it is now My Dream New Orleans. I hope to visit again some time. I had fun with all the grit, and walking around barefoot was an interesting touch.

Later on in the dream I was with my friend Sam, as she was apply for school. I decided to apply with her. Now, Sam does not live in New Orleans, but she  does go to a girl’s school in Raleigh. Also, I think I might have been, in my dreaming mind, confusing New Orleans with Savannah, and the art school SCAD.

Anyway, Sam was applying, and I did, too. I remember quite vividly a very in-depth interview process with me talking to a kindly old woman with a weird eyeglass/microphone piece coming up and around her head. I told her about what I studied at Tech, how I felt about it, how I felt duped from my college experience
(promises of jobs and productivity! and now - nothing!) and I told her about what I wanted to study and why.

At the end of the dream, she took me to a computer and looked up William and Mary college, and then turned to talk to me about it.

And then I woke up.

But it wasn’t one of those dissatisfying wake ups that leave you angry and startled. It was slow and gradual and I woke up feeling lucid and rested.

But I’m still curious about my dream. I did some quick research on William and Mary, and they don’t seem to have graduate programs that I’m totally interested in. Also, at this point in my life, moving is out of the question. Not for another five or more years, I’m sure.

I’ve been thinking about graduate schools so much recently. My friend Phil keeps on telling me I need to apply, but also I need to be mindful of “studying something so I can find employment,” because he had a Master’s degree and couldn’t get a job in his field, or something in another field because he was over qualified.

I know this experience from Steve. I remember him so many times doing a mad rush to find a job, just any job! Because even as a school teacher who gets paid well for his MA, he doesn’t get paid well enough to make up for the cost of us moving out here for him to get a job.

And what does it matter if I go to school and get a worthless MA anyway? I mean, I already have a degree. Every barista in this town has a degree - or more! I made the switch from creative writing to journalism, from Santa Fe to Lubbock,
because I wanted to be able to get a job. and sure, I may have been able to get a job at a newspaper, but as things are going now, I doubt I would have been able to keep it. I’m not trained in multi-media platforms. I missed that bandwagon. I don’t know shit about broadcast. And to be honest, newspapers scare me. I don’t want that lifestyle. But right now, I’d do it if I could. But I can’t. Because newspapers are going out of business and laying people off, and the only newspaper jobs in this area are on the other side of the Triangle, and we’d either have to do some pretty fancy and painful car manuevering, or get a second vehicle in order for that to work, and in the end, like Steve, the price of me getting a job just isn’t worth it. (assuming I could get one in the first place)

So, that leaves either working at a coffee shop forever, getting a “real” job (how do people get real jobs anyway?) or going to graduate school.

I really really really miss school. Working on Duke campus can sometimes be so bitter sweet painful for me. It makes me miss being an undergrad (but only sometimes) and also makes me sad that I’m not a graduate student. I’m not as cool and smart and talented as the kids I make skim sugar free vanilla extra foam double lattes for.

So I’m going to apply for grad school. Probably UNC, and also take a plunge and try Duke. Why not, right? I mean, I got into College of Santa Fe, a pretty
prestigious art school. Why not Duke?

But what do I want to study? I know what I’m interested in. Is there a magical degree program out there somewhere where I can graduate in women’s studies/comparative literature/anthropology/religion/folklore? I figure I just need to meet with lots of departments and say “this is what I’m interested in. How can you help me?”

In the mean time, here’s to coffee.

Whispered Words of Wisdom (tomorrow never knows)

January 29th, 2009 by feddiechick

Love is all and love is everyone.
It is knowing.

journaliscious (why?)

January 26th, 2009 by feddiechick

whispered words of wisdom (Proverbs 8)

January 22nd, 2009 by feddiechick

Wisdom’s Call

1 Does not wisdom call out? Does not understanding raise her voice?

2 On the heights along the way, where the paths meet, she takes her stand;

3 beside the gates leading into the city, at the entrances, she cries aloud:

4 “To you, O men, I call out; I raise my voice to all mankind.

5 You who are simple, gain prudence; you who are foolish, gain understanding.

6 Listen, for I have worthy things to say; I open my lips to speak what is right.

7 My mouth speaks what is true, for my lips detest wickedness.

8 All the words of my mouth are just; none of them is crooked or perverse.

9 To the discerning all of them are right; they are faultless to those who have knowledge.

10 Choose my instruction instead of silver, knowledge rather than choice gold,

11 for wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire can compare with her.

12 “I, wisdom, dwell together with prudence; I possess knowledge and discretion.

13 To fear the LORD is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.

14 Counsel and sound judgment are mine; I have understanding and power.

15 By me kings reign and rulers make laws that are just;

16 by me princes govern, and all nobles who rule on earth.

17 I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me.

18 With me are riches and honor, enduring wealth and prosperity.

19 My fruit is better than fine gold; what I yield surpasses choice silver.

20 I walk in the way of righteousness, along the paths of justice,

21 bestowing wealth on those who love me and making their treasuries full.

22 “The LORD brought me forth as the first of his works, before his deeds of old;

23 I was appointed from eternity, from the beginning, before the world began.

24 When there were no oceans, I was given birth, when there were no springs abounding with water;

25 before the mountains were settled in place, before the hills, I was given birth,

26 before he made the earth or its fields or any of the dust of the world.

27 I was there when he set the heavens in place, when he marked out the horizon on the face of the deep,

28 when he established the clouds above and fixed securely the fountains of the deep,

29 when he gave the sea its boundary so the waters would not overstep his command, and when he marked out the foundations of the earth.

30 Then I was the craftsman at his side. I was filled with delight day after day, rejoicing always in his presence,

31 rejoicing in his whole world and delighting in mankind.

32 “Now then, my sons, listen to me; blessed are those who keep my ways.

33 Listen to my instruction and be wise; do not ignore it.

34 Blessed is the man who listens to me, watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway.

35 For whoever finds me finds life and receives favor from the LORD.

36 But whoever fails to find me harms himself; all who hate me love death.”